


Between The Shadow And The Soul

by Mistress of Solitude (utterlyheartbroken)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Almost Unrequited Love, Dark, Depressing, Gen, Hallucinations, Insanity, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, Secret Crush, Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the manga, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2094318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utterlyheartbroken/pseuds/Mistress%20of%20Solitude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Uta finds Kaneki interesting, whereas Kaneki secretly and quietly, enjoys loving everything that is Uta, but keeps that fact to himself. While Rize whispers to him at night, tormenting him of things he cannot have and something that cannot be. It starts out as a tiny crush, which grows larger as his feelings deepen, despite Kaneki's willingness to let them fade away. It doesn't stop, even when later on, Kaneki becomes a wretched soul who drowns in the darkness he was thrust into. He learns to ignore the desire that fills his mind, as the lingering feelings trapped inside his heart struggle to break out. Kaneki learns that there's nothing he can do to stop them from growing, and so, keeps them hidden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Interlude

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda edited, and added a bit more stuff compared to what I originally had written. Hope this isn't a bad start for a short chaptered UtaKane fanfic. Any questions about the story, or if you want to discuss UtaKane headcanons with me, you can find me at my tumblr: utterlyheartbroken.tumblr.com, or mistressofsolitude.tumblr.com

 

It starts with being scared out of his mind by a ghoul with many tattoos and piercings, Kaneki cannot ignore the fact that the man, -whose name is Uta- still looks like a painting  which burst to life. Something stirs in Kaneki that feels all too familiar, and yet before he can recognize it, Uta-san is already asking him questions, after moving in too close to sniff his neck, the younger boy decides not to ignore the ghoul, and tries not to feel so bothered with how Uta-san is chewing the human eyeball in front of him like it was a marshmallow.

In the end, all he’s left thinking, is that despite how nice Uta-san seems to be, Kaneki still finds him rather scary.

 

* * *

 

During the second meeting, which had been a rather unexpected one, as Touka had pulled up his shirt up to mock his lack of muscles, exactly when Uta-san decided to open the door and walk in. Before she could continue to comment any further on his lack of muscles, Uta-san apologized after a long stare, as if he thought that he'd interrupted something, and Kaneki felt a bit embarrassed at the situation Uta-san had caught them in, especially after realizing how any ordinary person would see it as. He was oddly glad that Touka had already started explaining, before Uta-san could think they were dating or something, ignoring the sudden feeling of relief that surged due to her words.

The words Uta-san uttered next were unusual, as Kaneki could not fathom why Uta-san wanted to see him wear the mask, but nonetheless, he put the mask on, since Uta-san had put much effort into making it. He listened as Uta instructed him how to put on the mask, enjoying the feeling of cool leather against his skin. He also found the fact that the eye patch was on the eye he usually covered, kind of freeing and somewhat....different. He felt pleased by Uta-san’s explanation, because this was the first time someone had wanted to see his ghoul eye like it was something special, and fascinated at the idea of seeing the world with the ghoul eye he usually covered. It was a bit nice to be able to stop hiding something he was forced to hide, especially due to the fact that it was something he never wanted in the first place, and yet, despite its terrifying shape, the mask Uta-san had made for him seemed like it suited him perfectly. He liked that, because it made the fact it was made for him and no one else, even more prominent.

 

* * *

 

The third meeting, is when Kaneki realizes the signs he’d been feeling. He’d felt not so long ago, after spotting Rize in Anteiku reading Takasaki Sen, 'Egg of the Black Goat' every once in a while, they were the  telltales signs of a new-found crush. He couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness that began to form at the realization, because his crush on Rize had nearly killed him, and in a sort of apathetic way, he's sure she actually did succeed.

When Yomo-san had told him about his friend who wanted to meet him, Kaneki was intrigued. Even more so when Yomo-san had stopped in front of a closed bar, since Kaneki was still not legal to drink yet. As Yomo-san introduced him to Itori-san, she told him about the one-eyed ghoul, and the huge Gourmet Feast that Tsukiyama would hold every once in a while. He’d also learned more about Yomo-san and Uta-san than they would've have probably told him, it was interesting to learn something about their pasts and how different they were. He was surprised when Itori mentioned that Uta-san and Yomo-san were rivals, along with the fact that Uta used to be a troublemaker, if he hadn't heard Uta himself comment that he was rebellious in his teens, he would have had trouble believing it. Imagining Uta-san as someone who was a terror, wasn't so hard, even Yomo-san, but despite the terrifying image they both would make, it doesn't change how still feels like he can trust them. He still wonders though, what had happened that it had caused them to change, and hopes it was maybe due to Yoshimura-san's presence.

It is only when he has to leave that he realizes that he doesn't want to say goodbye to Uta-san, because unlike Yomo-san, he doesn't see the mask maker much, in fact, if he were being honest, he rarely does. And he knows that it's due to the fact that Uta lives in the 4th ward, which is far away from where he usually is, along with the fact that he barely has a reason to actually visit. He feels slightly distressed at the fact, which he used to feel whenever he'd leave Anteiku for the day, and had to wait until the next to see Rize. It had caused him to freeze in his footsteps, forgetting what he’d been about to say before he leaving the bar. When Itori-san opens her mouth to remind him of Tsukiyama Shuu's Gourmet Feast, it snaps him from the odd manifesting emotions he did not want. He murmurs quick and softly, “I will check it out” and “goodbye”, before leaving hurriedly, not noticing the curious side glance Yomo-san directed his way, nor the small quirk of Uta-san's lips. He does notice the loud giggles coming from Itori-san as he leaves, and it feels like she was pleased about something. He thinks, maybe, he’d like to get to know Itori-san a bit better, so he can figure out what kind of person she is, and what she really knows about the person who caused Rize’s death.

The feelings had begun to roam around, bubbling like one of the cool fizzy sodas he used to drink with Hide, making him feel sad that he could no longer enjoy one with Hide ever again. He pushes away the nostalgic memories, by reminding himself, in which his mind conjures up Rize to do so.  _“You can never be human again, you **do**  remember that, don’t you, Kaneki-kun?” _he can feel her cool fingers ghost over his cheek and chin, her tone mocking and cruel, as always. Something within him crumbles painfully, at the reminder that he’s no longer human, which causes Rize to smile wickedly.

He strengthens his control over his mind, as she begins to fade away, in remembering that he was no longer just human anymore, he was now a half-ghoul as well, while heading back to his apartment. It does not stop his heart from racing when he closes the door to his apartment shut, nor the feeling of sadness from overwhelming him. That night, he doesn't sleep much, instead only dreaming up nightmares of Rize. Her hysterical laughs echo out until the light of dawn, where he slowly begins to hate himself even more for feeling this way.

This time he knows it won't end in blood, because Kaneki will make sure no one will ever know.


	2. Like Fallen Stars I Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki has a bit of a recap with his thoughts about how dark and messed up the world is.

 

> _“There are days,_
> 
> _when I look at the sky and I see, clouds passing by._
> 
> _There are days,_
> 
> _when I look at the sun and I think, of fire._
> 
> _And there are days,_
> 
> _when I look at the night and instead of seeing stars,_
> 
> _I see every happy ending I will never have._
> 
> _Because,_
> 
> _I am already burning down, like a shooting star_
> 
> _that’s already dead.”_
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

This thing called happiness, was fleeting, Kaneki had realized, a bit too late, but just at the right time, to survive. Kindness was a weakness, and weakness could get you killed. It was also right then, he decided it was easier to isolate himself from everybody he cared about.

 

Uta’ words that night would have made the old him feel warm and fluttery inside, all it made this Kaneki realize, is that he needed to get away before he’d drag Uta down with him. The goodbye he’d told Touka would’ve made the old Kaneki feel guilt, but he was different now, and caring too much could get someone killed. He needed no one else’s death on his consciousness. So he cut himself off, taking with him only Tsukiyama, Banjou, and Banjou-san’s followers. No one else needed to get hurt, not Touka, Yomo, or even Nishiki. He needed to get away from people others could use against him.

 

He could still feel the pity and understanding that had surrounded Yomo’s eyes that night, when his gaze had met Kaneki’s. Yomo had never sounded that sad before, uttering Kaneki’s name like everything in the world had gone wrong, and the guilt that Kaneki could hint was odd. Because, honestly what could Yomo have done. What’s done has been done. To win over fear, one must become what he fears.

 

Kaneki had feared ghouls, like they’d been the bane of his existence, and in a weird way, they were, but it hadn’t been just ghouls. This whole world was warped in such a twisted way that it wasn’t even at fault, they were. The things that crawled all over, trampling whatever they touched and creating the ugliness that distorted the world, from its natural beauty. They were the wrong things that needed to be gone.

 

It was a kind of sad fact, not one that Kaneki liked to admit, but one he preferred to ignore. He thinks, the saddest fact out all of this, is not that he may never learn happiness again, but not seeing Hide. Hideyoshi, who stayed with Kaneki through thick and thin, through his mother’s funeral, and even now, worried about Kaneki, like he wasn’t a flesh-eating monster who’s all messed up inside his head.

 

He wanted to cry, and laugh altogether, and so, he did both. His tears cool against his warmer skin, and his laughs manic and hollow. He could never have another lunch at Anteiku with Hide again, he’d never eat human food, he’d never listen to Touka berate him for being clumsy, see Yoshimura-san smile kindly at him, hear Nishiki whine about how hard it was to make coffee, train with Yomo, Komo-san bragging about being the Devil Ape, or even the rare smiles that Uta tended to show Kaneki at times. He _knows_ that he chose this, this isolation, his loneliness, and its suffocating desolation. He’s just glad that Hinami had decided to stay with him, she’s the only person that makes him feel like maybe if he tries hard enough, this world will show him some of hidden joy. He thinks that if he keeps her under his watch, maybe, he can protect her, more than he could for himself, or Kei-san and Kouta-kun. He’d let them die because he couldn’t choose, even as Kei-san was begging him to choose her, and instead due to his foolishness, they’d both died in such a gruesome way that Kaneki couldn’t take it anymore.

 

He’d snapped then, ripped off his binds and gave into the whispers of his mad mind. He decided to eat his torturer who’d murdered two innocent people who’d done nothing, because Kaneki was weak, too kind to do anything useful, and let rage fill his mind instead of fear as his eyes watched the corpses in front of him look so empty and bloody.

 

That night, he became a killer, but he doesn’t consider himself one, he’d only fought to protect others from monsters, and to do that, he had to become one himself. And no monster, thought of itself as a monster, or even a killer. To monsters, their choices were simply normal choices, like how a fireman would choose to save a man in a burning building, or how a policewoman would shoot to prevent the murder of innocent life. They were all choices, and monsters killed to protect themselves, because the world already thinks they are murderers. And well, who is he to prove them wrong?

 

When he watches the skies tonight, it feels all wrong, like his skin is not his own, and there’s too much wind hitting his face. His tears have already dried, and his laughs silenced by his too-loud thoughts. The stars are too bright, and the darkness of the night almost makes him feel like he can be swallowed whole. He kinda wants that to happen, to be swallowed and lost in darkness until he cannot hurt anymore.

 

And when a shooting star passes by, he cannot help the his heart as it skips a beat in excitement, before it fades as he thinks sadly ‘ _There you were burning bright, but now you’re falling, and while you die, people make wishes that will never bring you back just so they can believe in something.’_ It is rather ironic, Kaneki thinks, his lips twisting to form a sardonic smile, as he places his mask back on.

 

‘We make wishes out of something dying; maybe, there’s a point to all of this.’ It’s almost wistful, as he hears his heart thudding loudly against his chest, thinking, ‘Maybe one needs to die, so that they can become reborn anew’.

 

This time when he looks up, his ghoul eye gleams in the dark, and he tries to erase the feeling of glee, when he remembers the words _“Your mask is starting to suit you. It’s...gentle”._ He cannot comprehend why Uta-san would even think so, he was a monster, a ghoul who ate ghouls, killed other ghouls, and tortured the rest. He sighs, and ignores his confusion over the words, instead, lets Rize’s voice murmur to him, almost sounding kind, _“That’s right Kaneki-kun, **fight** , and eat, until there’s no one left to eat.” _the purr in her tone makes him feel nauseated, though he does note the fact that her voice is much lower than it always is, probably cause he wasn’t hungry enough for her to start screaming obscenities at him, until all he craved was flesh to satiate his deadly-hunger.

 

He decides to head back to the 6th ward, while silently murmuring, “Goodbye.” to the 20th ward.

 

He ignores the tiny part in him that enjoyed seeing Uta smile that forsaken day, because it had been the first time seeing Uta smile. Kaneki jumped off the rooftop, to head back to Banjou-san and Hinami, before his thoughts wandered too much. After all, he still had to fight; Aogiri’s Tree didn’t seem to be waiting for someone to stop them, so Kaneki decided he’d stop them before anything else could go wrong.

 

He also needed to find that doctor of his, who suddenly went missing, which Kaneki thinks is no coincidence. Maybe this time, his nightmares will be of him turning into a monster without feelings, instead of being eaten by them, and snorts to himself, before beginning to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what happened with this chapter, really, it was meant to be just a simple night out with Kaneki thinking and watching the stars, and maybe later on, stumbling upon Uta somewhere, on the way back. But things took a darker turn, and here we are. I promise there will be more UtaKen in later chapters, I just don't want to rush those two, or ruin any of their characterizations so I can get to the romantic feelings. If you spot any typos, please tell me.


End file.
